There’s no single character in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia who could stake a claim for the funniest on the show. That’s the beauty of it – every single character in the cast is hilarious; there’s no dead weight. Dennis’ sinister psychopathy, Mac’s combination of homosexuality and devout Catholicism, Dee’s disregard for anyone but herself, Frank’s all-out depravity, and Charlie’s childlike innocence masking a serious dark side all make them hysterically funny characters. But it’s arguably the latter whose characterization makes him the most lovable.
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So, for fans of It’s Always Sunny, here are the 10 Best Charlie Kelly Quotes, ya jabronis!
10 On Pirates Who Live In Break Rooms
“Look at that door, dude. See that door right there? The one marked ‘pirate’? Do you think a pirate lives in there?”
Charlie’s illiteracy is the subject of a lot of jokes in It’s Always Sunny, because he’s in complete denial about the fact that he can’t read or write. He insists, “I can read and write, I just don’t like to read and write.” But there’s a lot of evidence to the contrary – the lyrics he writes are illegible and nonsensical and only make sense to him, and he turns on the “Closed” sign at the front of the bar because he thinks it says “Coors.”
9 On Unemployment
“Just get a job? Why don’t I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland, where jobs grow on jobbies!”
It’s Always Sunny isn’t satire in the way that something like Veep or Arrested Development would be considered satire, but it does have a satirical take – in its own specific brand of humor – on most topics. This rant by Charlie is a satirical take on the state of the economy and unemployment rates. In Jobland, jobs don’t even grow on trees. They grow on something called “jobbies,” which is a different kind of plant that specifically grows jobs for unemployed people to just pick off.
8 On Going To A Spa
“What is this word, ‘spa’? I feel like you’re starting to say a word and you’re not finishing it. Are you trying to say ‘spaghetti’? Are you taking me for a spaghetti day?”
In the episode “Charlie Kelly: King of the Rats,” the Gang decide to give Charlie the best day of his life. While Dennis, Mac, and Frank make all the arrangements, they send Dee to take him for a spa day to get him out of the way. She ends up taking him to the movies, because he doesn’t know what a spa is, and by then, he’s gotten himself in the mood for spaghetti.
7 On The High School Experience
“I’ll get high. I’ll get sad. People can laugh at me. I hate high school, man!”
In the two-parter “The High School Reunion” that rounds out the seventh season (the one where Mac got fat), the Gang all regress into their teenage selves as they attend their high school reunion. A vicious wedgie puts Dee back in her back brace, Mac and Charlie are the target of all the jocks’ bullying, and Dennis surveys the room, looking down on all his “minions.”
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In this line, spoken by Charlie in the men’s bathroom as he searches for toxic chemicals to huff, sadly and frankly describes the high school experience perfectly.
6 On Directing Theater
“I am going to smack everyone into tiny little pieces.”
In the season 4 finale “The Nightman Cometh,” Charlie writes a musical and puts it on, starring the Gang, in an attempt to woo the Waitress with its muddled message about his growth as a man. As he struggles to keep his cast on the script without ripping their costumes or singing their own songs, he gets angrier and angrier. He starts threatening to smack people who wrong him, saying he’ll take their whole face off with his slaps. He’s not a fantastic director of theater, due to his impatience with actors – although, for an illiterate guy, he’s not a bad playwright.
5 On Religion
“You’re telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers and you proceed to just eat the man?”
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After previously singing, “The Good Lord is going down on me,” when the Gang decided to exploit the image of the Virgin Mary that miraculously appeared in the damp on the walls of the back office, Charlie backtracked his faith in “Charlie’s Mom Has Cancer.” He’s happy to exploit the followers of Christianity, but the second he finds himself in one of their services, he points out everything he finds weird about it.
4 On America
“I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Gonna kick some ass in the USA. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I’m gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck. I’m gonna rule this world. I’m gonna kick some ass. I’m gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Rock, flag, and eagle!”
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When he decides to “go all America on everybody’s ass,” Charlie erupts with patriotic language taken from truck commercials. What makes this weirdly Springsteen-y musical patriotic rant so great is the fact that Charlie Day improvised the whole thing. He forgot the original line during one take and just came out with this.
3 On Eating Stickers
“I eat stickers all the time, dude!”
In the season 5 episode “The Gang Hits the Road,” the Gang sets out to drive to the Grand Canyon and don’t actually end up leaving Philly. Their first stop is at the Italian Market to “” for some good deals.
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Mac is determined to get Charlie a pear after finding out he’s never eaten one, only to be “burned” on a 45-cent pear that isn’t ripe. But before Mac can get his money back, Charlie has eaten the whole thing – stickers and all. Apparently, it’s something he’s made a habit of.
2 On Meeting Santa
“Did you f**k my mom, Santa Claus? Did you f**k my mom? Did you f**k her? DID YOU F**K MY F**KING MOM? DID YOU F**K MY MOM, SANTA?”
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In “A Very Sunny Christmas,” Mac and Charlie discover their childhood Christmas traditions were actually super dark and sad. Mac spent every Christmas breaking into people’s homes and stealing presents from them, while Charlie got all his Christmas presents from men dressed as Santa and his elves who went upstairs to sleep with his mom. So, when he meets a mall Santa, he flips out, bites Santa’s neck, and beats the snot out of him in front of dozens of screaming, traumatized children.
1 On Fight Milk
“I drink it every morning, so I can fight like a crow!”
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The Fight Milk commercial is one of the many things the Gang have recorded onto the one tape they own. It’s their attempt at an alcoholic protein drink. In the season 12 episode “Wolf Cola: A Public Relations Nightmare,” Mac and Charlie find out that Fight Milk has actually taken off on the UFC scene and all the fighters are drinking it. As it turns out, they’re not drinking it so they can fight like a crow – they’re drinking it because it gives them such violent bouts of vomiting and diarrhea that they’re able to drop body weight in time for the championship weigh-in.